Now begins the long road to sanity

You come out of the hospital feeling pretty good. You know you aren't alone in your struggles and you have learned some healthy coping skills to use when you are feeling depressed. You truly hope to be treated the same as always, but that isn't reality. Everyone who knows treats you a little differently whether they know it or not.

The first few weeks to months the people closest to you walk on eggshells around you out of fear of sending you back off the cliff. You know why they do it, you just wish they would see you aren't the same person you were just two weeks ago. You are empowered and feel as though you are so much better, but once again, that isn't truly reality. You aren't better, you are doing better, but you are not cured. You still need help, a lot of help. You are pushed in a good way to pursue the avenues for help you vowed to do. Relying not just on medication, but also going to therapy. Getting help with all aspects of your life.

It becomes more and more apparent just how much you have neglected the relationships in your life. I found myself taking an inventory of my relationships and saw for the first time the devastation I had on them. I begin to realize that I have no true friends, I have no one to confide in, the relationship with my wife is strained because of the things I have done and the things I haven't said. The thoughts begin to scratch through again. But this time you know what to do, you talk to your therapist, you use some the coping skills you learned in the hospital, and you tell yourself you are a good man, you just have some things to work through.

You successfully get rid of the thoughts. You won a battle. The war is far from over, but you are gaining ground. For the first time in a long time you feel like there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't just the headlight jog a freight train coming at you.

The day after I got out of the hospital I had a faculty meeting at school that I had to go to. I knew they were going to ask where I was and what happened. I couldn't call my clinical instructor while I was in the hospital, so my wife had to do it. I missed lectures, I missed a day of clinically, and I missed an important presentation. They wanted an explanation. These instructors are all nurses, all very smart, well educated medical professionals. How am I supposed to lie to them about what happened? I am not ready to tell people the truth about what really happened.

The best I can come up with is telling everyone it was a medication reaction. I had a bad reaction to a medication. It is kind of the truth right? I mean isn't overdosing just having a reaction to the medication? Ok so it isn't the whole truth, but there is a shade of truth in it, sort of. I tell them it was a benzo for anxiety and they wee afraid I would withdrawal from stopping it, thus the weeklong absence from school. They bought it. I feel bad for lying, but at the same time good for not having to open up about my mental illness.

This week at the faculty meeting I will be apologizing for the lie, explaining what really happened, and asking forgiveness. Friday morning I will address the nursing faculty and open up to them about what has been going on and is still going on. If I keep telling myself this maybe, just maybe I won't freak out about it. Maybe I will actually tell them and be articulate in telling them. Maybe I will not stumble or stammer through my little speech. Maybe they will accept me for me.

I have come a long way in the past few months. But, I still have a long ways to go. I hope you all stick with me on this journey. I am sure there will be exciting times, as well as boring times. Some times the boring times will be a welcome relief. Boring is normal. Boring means you are ok in your own thoughts and in your own company. I never thought boring would be a great thing. Before when I was bored I got stuck in my own head. Now, boredom is a welcomed emotion. It has been so long since emotions were allowed.