Well hello there...

So it has been a while...  How ya been?

I have started writing numerous posts over the past months, but always stop short of posting it.  Most of the time deleting everything I wrote.  Not because I didn't mean it, or that it was too disturbing to share with all of you.  I just, didn't think it was worth reading.

It has been two years since I was hospitalized.  Some days it feels like two years, most times it either feels like a decade ago, or last month.  Either way it is in the past to stay.  I am feeling pretty good all things considered, and that is such an improvement that it makes looking back at the past a little easier.  It is still difficult to come to grips with some of the things said or done while I was sick, but the past is the past.  I can not change what happened or the lives changed forever, including my own.  I can not apologize for what happened.  It really wasn't under my own control at the time.  For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, as in this is your first time reading something I have written, I suggest you visit My First Post to go back to the beginning.  Much easier than me trying to explain everything all over again.

I started my grown-up job a little over a month ago and am really liking it.  I'm still pretty self-conscious and hard on myself when I make mistakes or don't know something that I think I should.  I try to remind myself I am new at this, but it is still a struggle.  I do find myself feeling like I am doing well at times too which is new for me.  For so long I never felt that way.  That anything I did was good enough or even good for that matter.  There have been moments of praise with starting this new position.  I still find it hard to feel good about what is said.  That doubt still slips in with thoughts of "They won't think that for long" or "You must really have them fooled."  I don't know that my brain will ever be able to not have thoughts like that.  They have been there for so long.  As long as I can remember, that it is hard to see life without them.  Maybe that day will come.  For now the doubt isn't controlling me and I find myself working a little harder to prove my own self wrong.

I am glad I chose a career where there is constant learning.  If you ever feel like you know everything in nursing you are most likely delusional.  There is always something to learn and that is the beauty of this.  For those of you who know me well, and have known me a long time, I was never the best student.  Growing up in school I was bored most of the time.  Classroom settings always bored me.  Even in nursing school.  I loved the content, but sitting there being talked at can be torturous.  I learned so much more doing hands on.  Seeing the patient, hearing from them, reading their chart, looking at tests and trends.  I'm learning more now than I did in all the lecture hours combined just by being immersed in it.  I'm almost certain most college degrees are the same way, none prepare you for everything you will come to see or do.

I don't want this next paragraph to be taken out of context or to be misconstrued.  I am very happy for my mom and the path she has chosen.  I love the life she is now leading, and love the man she has married and his family.  For those of you who didn't know, in May my mom moved from Kansas City for southern California, took a job at Disneyland, and married a man I have literally known all my life.  I couldn't ask or have hoped for a better person for her to fall in love with.  But, I would be lying if I said the transition wasn't difficult.  My mom has always been here.  A short drive for home-cooked food and family.  I miss that.  Porcupines and noodle-bock.  I am adjusting to this new reality, just as I know she is too.  Mom, I love you and am behind you just as you have been behind me.  I can't wait to see you and David again in November, just as I know you feel the same way. 

With her moving it really has placed me on an island.  This certainly isn't her fault or anyone's fault.  With the separation, getting an apartment, the end of school, and my nursing school friends growing up and getting real jobs (just like me) I find myself with a lot of alone time.  On days off I find it hard to be motivated to do much of anything.  This is the first time in my life I have lived alone.  Every other time I have lived with someone whether it was my mom, a roommate, or Renee.  Solitude is a strange thing.  Sometimes you just want someone to talk to and no one is around.  Just something I have to get used to I guess.

Overall I am doing well.  I am not sure where things are headed in life.  I am one who likes to have some sort of plan, and right now there are a lot of unknowns and the path ahead is pretty foggy.  The good thing about fog is it doesn't typically last very long in any one area.  The path slowly becomes clearer over time and if you can't see what is next you just have to wait out for a little change and it becomes a little clearer.  I'm in the market for a little sunshine and maybe a light breeze right now, but I never mind a little fog.  Sometimes the way it lingers is just as beautiful as a sunny day.

Yesterday was one of the rougher days lately.  I know everyone has ups and downs, that's life.  I get concerned when I start to feel down.  When you have been burned by depression, you fear any sign of it like no other.  I can deal with one day of being pretty down, probably even two.  I fear that it will keep dragging on.  Day after day, week after week, and I will be back at the beginning.  I try like hell to keep that from happening, but there is always that doubt lingering.  "You couldn't stop it before, what makes you think you can stop it now?"  I never have a great answer.  I may never have a great answer.  That is probably where this post is coming from.  Writing has always seemed to help when I need it, so I should probably keep doing it huh?

My son, who is 3, is scheduled to have surgery a week from today.  Nothing major, getting his eyelid fixed.  It has been something we have been seeing specialists for since he was about 6 months old and it was just decided that surgery was our best option since it is causing vision changes and his eyes to work differently.  The nurse in me knows that it is a minor procedure.  Only about 30-45 minutes long.  The dad in me is worried for him.  Surgery is still surgery, and no one wants their child in pain.  The surgeon doing it is a "Pediatric Oculoplastic Specialist."  Fancy, huh?  Basically he is a plastic surgeon who only works on kids eye's.  I guess if my son is going to have to go through this having a guy who is that specialized and has been doing it at Children's Mercy for a long time is the way to go.  I'm not sure how long he has been with the hospital, but his picture on the website is in black and white and he has dark hair.  When I met with him his hair was kind of thinning and white.  They may need a picture update.

In August, on the 11th to be exact, the world someone a lot of people felt close to.  Robin Williams starred in many movies, some with critical acclaim and others deemed pretty much awful.  That night, after a long day of orientation for my job I sat down with my laptop and watched the news.  Media and people on Facebook were shocked at how someone seemingly so happy could be so tortured inside.  I took a few moments and shared some of my thoughts on my personal Facebook page, and though it has been over a month since his death I will share what I wrote here.  I probably should have just done it here anyway, but I was tired and a little shaken.

"I have been kind of stewing on this all night since hearing the news of Robin Williams death. I thought of just saying it was a tragic thing, but I don't think that would do much justice.

I have seen multiple posts and news quips talking about how he was so funny, and that it always seems to be the funny ones who end up taking their lives.

I think I am a fairly funny guy. I may be the only one that thinks that, but that is ok. Many people after finding out about my battles with depression made comments like, "I never would have thought that, you are always so funny" or "wow, but you seemed fine, and always joking." I would never compare my humor to that of a man like Robin Williams, the man was purely comedic genius. However it seems to be a commonly themed trait amongst some people with depression. Hiding behind humor to keep everyone in the dark.

For those of you in Kansas City, you likely remember Don Harman, the Fox 4 weatherman who was well known for his comedic antics. He too suffered from long term severe depression that he hid behind humor.

I can't speak for others, but using humor was really the only coping skill and way for me to hide my troubles. I feel for all of those who knew Mr. Williams, and my thoughts are with them. I just wish at some point society will wake up and realize mental illness like depression is not taboo and does not need to be hidden. Like any other illness it needs treatment, compassion, and understanding. It is a terrible shame that people, myself included, feel or have felt that taking your own life is the only viable option.

Rest in peace Mr. Williams, you touched the lives of so many, brightening their days and lives."

I am not a Kid Rock fan.  I will start by saying that.  I'm not sure he really has a whole lot of musical value, but I heard this song for the first time in a long time this morning and it has kind of stuck with me.  Here are the lyrics for the last verse of the song.  Like I said, not a big fan, but I can relate to these words:

People don't know, 'Bout the things I say and do
They don't understand, 'Bout the shit that I've been through

It's been so long. Since I've been home
I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long

And maybe I forgot, All things I miss
Oh, somehow I know, There's more to life than this

I said it too many times, And I still stand firm
You get what you put in, And people get what they deserve

Still I ain't seen mine, No, I ain't seen mine
I've been givin', just ain't been gettin', I've been walkin' that there line

So I think I'll keep a walkin', With my head held high
I'll keep movin' on, And only God knows why

I even had to look up if he was the actual writer of this, and much to my chagrin he was.   I went ahead and posted the lyric video for this song on the music page.

There was a 60 Minutes story on as a rerun last week that I thought I would share.  It talks mostly about the struggles parents have with mentally ill children, but the themes hold for adult patients too.  Some of the things mentioned in this story are just so asinine.  So asinine, but true.  It is about 15 minutes long, if you have time you should watch it at this link.

I work the next five days in a row so maybe that will help break the funk.  I know there are some of you out there going "Five days in a row?  That's nothing."  But trust me, five days in a row at a hospital will test anyone's resolve and patience.  Here's to hoping things go smoothly and it gets my mind out of whatever funk it is presently in.

I know I have kind of rambled around a bit with this post, forgive me.  I guess that's what I get for not having posted in nearly 6 months.  Have a great weekend folks.

A little fed up with the media

Taking a semi-break from studying to write this.  By semi-break I mean I still have some guy, an internal medicine doctor on YouTube talking to me about respiratory acidosis/alkalosis and metabolic acidosis/alkalosis.  Fun right?  Ok so back to my actual topic.

Another shooting.  Another person shoots and kills or injures others for one reason or another.  The first thing that comes up after is why they did it.  Rightfully so.  People, especially those directly affected by the tragedy deserve to know why their loved ones have been shot.  Most times, there is no good answer.  Hell, there is never a *good* answer.  There is never a good reason to kill someone in a setting like these.  I will not get into times when killing someone may be ok, but let's leave it as there are times, and they are few and far between.

I want to start off by saying that I can not defend someone who does things like this.  There is no real defense.  I am not apologizing for the shooter's actions.  But am pointing out a failure by the media and our healthcare system.  Being depressed or having anxiety is not an excuse for killing or injuring others.  But maybe, just maybe, if there were better services for people with mental illness of varying degrees, there would be less of these horrific stories that have become all too prevalent in our current age.

One of the first things to be said about the shooter at Fort Hood yesterday was that he "suffered from mental illness."  Really?  You mean someone was unstable mentally when they shot almost two dozen people?  Does a stable person do this?  No.

I have no real big issue with the media always saying that the person responsible for shooting others was not mentally stable.  It's true.  However, writing it off as mental illness is not the same thing.  The shooter this time was being treated for depression, anxiety, and reported PTSD.  The PTSD is being thrown in.  He was not diagnosed with PTSD, but it is being reported he self-reported he had it.

Depression and anxiety are not going to cause you to shoot 20 people.  Let me say that again.  These two things alone are not going to do it.  There is something else at play.

I actually heard a host on a talk-radio/news radio host today say that the shooter was in Afghanistan for four months and never saw combat and then ask, so how could he have PTSD?  Really?  Shut your mouth, read a book, and think before you talk.  Do you really think Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder comes solely from military combat situations?  Maybe we should coin a new disorder and make it Post-Military Combat Zone Involvement Stress Disorder.  PMCZISD.  Better yet, Intense Situation Acknowledgement With Situational Hyper-Intense Theoretical Mental Attack Notions.  That's right.  ISAWSHITMAN.  Someone can get PTSD from any traumatic situation.  Yes, there are events with military deployments and involvement that can cause PTSD, but there are many people out there who have it from car accidents, witnessing a traumatic event, being in a fire, you know, just like the disorder states "Post-Traumatic Stress".  As in, stress following a trauma.

Let's not pigeon hole those of us with "mental illness" as potential murderers.  Another person today said that "We need to do something about the people walking among us with mental illnesses".  What do you suggest?  I have a suggestion if you don't mind my opinion.  How about, you take your narrow-minded self back to your basement and put on that foil helmet and write up some more conspiracy theories of how the aliens are poisoning the earthworms to cause autism in kids.

Sure this country, and countries around the world, see mental illness as almost taboo.  Something you don't talk about.  If you have it, don't talk about it.  If people find out, they will see you as weak and possibly the topic of a future Dateline, 20/20, Criminal Minds, or some other prime time television show plot.  If you think there isn't a problem with mental health treatment in this country I have a little experiment I would like you to do.  Pull out your health insurance card.  Read the name of the company, then start calling psychiatrist offices saying you are a new patient with possible depression that needs to see a doctor.  When they ask what type of insurance you have tell them.  If by chance they take your insurance, see when the next new patient appointment is.  You might be surprised to hear when it will be.  How does 2015 sound to you?  Even a quick internet search will yield articles with titles like "Mental health care: Average wait to see a psychiatrist in Dauphin County is 8 months".  And reading that article, that is for someone with private health insurance, have medicaid or medicare?  The wait goes to over a year.  Oh and Dauphin County?  It's in Pennsylvania, and happens to be the home of the Pennsylvania state capitol.

There is the option to go directly to an emergency room.  When I was calling for appointments this was brought up.  I was told even they were turning away people who were not in an acute crisis.  Psychiatric hospitals?  You almost always have to be referred into at this point because they are so overcrowded.

Does your insurance have co-pays?  You know, $30 to see your primary doctor, $75 for urgent care, etc.?  Check out what it is for a specialist office visit.  Usually about double the primary doctor.  Every visit to the psychiatrist is a specialty visit.  And initially, that could be twice a week for a month or two.  Weekly, bi-weekly, monthly to follow depending on your progress.  Oh and those lovely medications you see on TV to treat depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses.  Check your insurance to see if those are covered and how much they are.  A lot of those newer medications are top tier prescriptions.

Oh, and before you get too far you should review your policy.  A lot of insurance companies don't cover mental health like medical.  It is often covered by another company other than your primary provider.  And those companies, have other ideas on how you should pay, not to mention prior authorization for every appointment or medication.  Your doctor, you know once you actually see them, may say you have XYZ diagnosis and require ABC medication(s).  The insurance company may come back and say we disagree, you have QRS diagnosis and do not require medication, or a medication that doesn't even make sense to your set of problems.  I was told that the medication my doctor wanted was not approved by the insurance company and they wanted me to take a different medication instead.  If I didn't have some form of medical knowledge I might not have pushed back.  They wanted me to take a medication for my depression, that was used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar mania.  The opposite of the medication I was prescribed by my doctor to treat depression.

Before you start believing that the people with mental illness are a problem, take a peek at the system we deal with.  It is pretty messed up when it comes down to it.  So before believing the media about things like "they went untreated for mental illness" or "they reportedly were suffering from some mental illness, but were not being treated for it" remember, they might have called for their appointment a month or two ago and were waiting until December to see the psychiatrist.

I know, I know, don't nag

So it has been forever.  I know.  How are you doing?  Fantastic. 

So my nursing program is winding down, only a month and a half until graduation.  Kind of a scary proposition. 

To any future employers who are doing background checks on me and stumble across this blog.  Hi, take a seat, read away.  I don't know how you will feel about all of this, but if I can may I offer a suggestion.  Don't view the events on here as a downfall, or a handicap.  See them as a triumph.  Sure things got out of control.  They got downright bad, beyond bad.  Yet here I am.  Graduating school.  Intact.  I know I will be a good nurse, and believe it or not, there are others who feel the same way.  Nurses themselves, instructors, patients, and patient families.  I challenge you to not gauge me by my past and see me for who I am.  Talk to me, ask questions.  I will answer them.

As time has passed, a lot of things have changed, some good, some not-so-good.  Either way, change is life.  Nothing stays the same, we aren't expected to never change.  We can adapt or live in the past, I choose to adapt.  I have learned how to live within myself and with who I am.  I don't expect for everyone in my past, present, or future to change for me as they should not expect me to change who I am for them.  This shift, the change has and will cause problems and pain.  Both to me and others.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make people happy or make them forgive me, but that isn't reality.

Sometimes in life you need to move past your past.  Forgive, forget, or don't and move on.  Maybe I need to think about this myself.  I can not forget, and struggle with forgiving myself.  I have to remind myself I didn't knowingly do the things I did, that I didn't choose that path.  I won't let that happen to me again, I don't want to ever feel that way again.  It is however a fact that it did happen.  There is no denying it, there is no escaping it.  But there is no need to keep it in the forefront.  No need to use it against me.  Just know I have worked past it, and am living my life the best I can.  If you can accept that, thank you.  If not, I am sorry and maybe it is time for the third approach, for both of us.