I know I kind of disappeared. No, I did not win the lottery. No, I did not go on a whirlwind vacation around Europe. I didn't even go crazy and end up back in psychiatric hospital. I've just been me.
I have been trying to do the right thing as it comes. Part of that is not over-analyzing decisions and not beating myself up over mistakes and short-comings. This is rather tough for me, I mean, it wasn't all that long ago where I couldn't stand the sight of myself and thought everything I did was wrong and stupid. I can actually look back now and see how wrong I was for feeling that way. Feeling I was worthless, that no one needed me, no one would care if I was gone, hell they'd probably be happier if I was. I was so far off-base that it is very sad to think about how I could have thought these things. Now I can look my loved ones in the eye and see that I matter to them. I matter to me. I matter to the world. I may be an insignificant speck on this tiny floating rock hurdling through a solar system surrounded by an infinite number of other rocks, but that is ok. I am not insignificant to my family or my friends or those I care for.
I got some sad news the other day. One of the people who read this blog, supported me, offered help if I needed it, and was just an all around good person passed away. I don't know the circumstances of his passing, but I do know he had battled health issues for quite some time. He was my age. Graduated from high school the same year. He has left behind two young children who will miss their father very much. I can't help but think of what I had put my family through, and what it would have been like for them if I wasn't able to recover and get back on the right track. I can not imagine the pain and anguish that TJ's family and friends are going through and think about if I had caused that same pain to my family. That is enough to keep me doing the right thing. I don't want to make them hurt any more than I already have.
In a few days we will have a definitive answer to the age old question: "Do you have a brain in your head?" I am having an MRI of my brain done on Friday. With my lower than low testosterone levels and the severity and speed at which my depression, anxiety, irritability, and anger hit, amongst other things as well, my doctor thought it best to get a look inside my brain. Not ready to have my head opened up and my brain fondled, I guess an MRI is a better avenue. And no, opening my head was never discussed. I think I would find a new doctor if his front line thing is brain surgery.
I did something this week that I do not think I have ever done. I willingly went to and had an open mind during.....church. I won't go into details, but I enjoyed myself for the most part. Sure their were some odd things, but I can look past some things. I will attend a few more times to see if it is something for me. I have never been religious or spiritual. Always clinging to reality and empirical things. It is as good a time as any to explore the unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable scenarios in hope of finding mental peace. I could just do without all the handshaking and hugging.
I guess the moral of the story today is to hold your people close. Hug them tightly. Tell them you love them if you do. Don't waste time arguing or fighting over things that require neither. You never know when or where or how a loved one will pass away. Just let them know you care and you won't regret not telling them.
Thank you all for the support you have given to me and continue to give. You can not imagine what it has meant to me.
