An open letter

This won't apply to everyone, but most have been affected by depression, either yourself or someone close to you has likely gone through it.  In light of the anniversary of my hospitalization I wanted to express a few things to you all. Things you probably already know.  Things you have heard before.  But hear them again, and listen from someone who should have.

Dear Reader,

You are not alone.  No matter how alone you feel, there are people who want to see you get better.  Family, friends, doctors, therapists, and even perfect strangers.  Just as you are good at hiding it, so are most.  Just know there are others out there struggling, and your struggles are no less than theirs.  Some of the best therapy I have had is talking to others about depression, both mine and theirs.

If you are reading this and you are in a place of darkness, I understand, sort of.  People will say they understand, that they have been there.  But have they really?  No.  They may have dealt with their own demons, fought their own fight, but in the end they aren't in your head.  They can suggest things, offer things, be there for you, but you have to let them, and that is hard for us.  As much as you know you need some sort of help, you aren't willing to ask.  Like me, you are probably thinking you aren't worth it, that it is hopeless, or that no one really cares.  They do.  They really do, and no they will not be better off without you.  It will scar them for life, and they will feel like they failed you.  They will blame themselves for these things that were beyond their control.  As much as you feel they would be better off, they wouldn't.  No one will be better off without you, as hard as it is to hear, you are worth their love, their friendship, their help.  A lot of pain could have been spared had I realized this before.  So I hope you will take my words and trust in them.  Let someone help you, you are in no shape to keep trying to solve it yourself.  If you had that ability you wouldn't be here right now would you?

A lot of people will downplay your depression as the blues, or a phase.  They do not mean to do it, they just don't know any better.  They want to help you, they just don't know how.  Tell them.  I know, that's easy for me to say right?  If it is someone you trust, someone you care about, you have to tell them you are hurting.  Tell them you can no longer help yourself and you need something, someone else.  Tell them you can't continue listening to yourself, because you know what you are telling yourself is bad.  You might even think it is true, but deep down you really know it is just a deafening falacy.  Look inside you, there has to still be a shred that still remembers you before all of this.  Grab it, hold onto it as best you can.  That little shred, sometimes just a happy memory, is hope.  And that is something you can build on.

If you are feeling worthless, hopeless, or that life is not worth living, I beg you to reach out.  You need help.  I know you don't want to hear that, but it is true.  You need someone with experience and that you can feel comfortable with.  A psychologist, a psychiatrist, a social worker, a counselor, or even a friend you believe will not downplay the situation.

Will you be healed instantly by doing this?  No.  I am not going to lie to you.  If you are depressed, you will not just snap out of it.  It takes time, it takes effort, and it takes courage.  You have these things.  As much as you don't think you do, you do.  You just have to get the tools that you currently do not have in this darkness.  Tools that are supplied through therapy, openness, and a lot of times some form of medication.  You will need a support structure.  Friends, family, doctors, therapists, people who know the situation and have offered you help.  They do mean it when they say they want you to get better.  So let them help you gain your footing again, because you have been sliding for awhile.

The road is not easy, but regaining your life, your happiness, is well worth it.  There will be bridges that need repair or complete rebuilding.  Even though you did not mean to do the damage and you don't know what you did to burn the bridge, it still is in need of attention.  The easiest way to do this is to be open and honest and listen to what they are saying when they tell you how they feel, and how they were hurt.  It will hurt you to hear it.  You never meant to cause them pain.  You did not knowingly or intentionally do it.  You were sick and still are.  Help them to understand that you did not willingly participate in the depression.  You did not enjoy it.  You didn't mean to do the things you did.  You were not in control of yourself.  Educate them if needs be.  Explain that your brain was not producing the things a normal brain does.  Serotonin, norepinephrine, endorphins, dopamine, these can all be out of whack.  That is what the medication helps with.  It helps, but is not magic.  You also need other help along with them.  And hopefully you are seeking that help at that point.

You need to act now.  Save yourself.  Reach out.  Call someone.  Call a crisis center if you are at the ledge.  Stop thinking and act.  If you think about it your scumbag of a brain will talk you out of it.  So please, for your family, your friends, and especially for yourself, seek help.

Sincerely,

Scott Rivera

Author of Depressible Me

Diagnosed with Severe Treatment Resistant Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Always willing to help anyone going through depression or any other difficult times.

PS: If you or someone you know is going through depression do not hesitate to contact me.  Message me through here, or leave a comment with your contact information.  I am perfectly fine with you being anonymous, I will not judge you, and I will not downplay your feelings.  Please, just reach out.

31,536,000

That's a large number isn't it?  In my little world it equals other numbers too.  525,600 is one, 8,760 is another, 365 is the final equality for the title.  If you haven't guessed already, it is the number of seconds, minutes, hours, and days in a year.

One year ago today, my scumbag brain told me to do something I regret immensely.  I regret it, but I also appreciate it.  I know that sounds strange, but it is true.  Without that start to a chain of events that led me to the place I am now.  I'm not talking about physical place, even though that event has led to that, but mentally.  Mentally I think I have come a long way.  There is certainly a long way still left to go as well.  I am still very flawed.  I know this.  I accept this.  I will always be flawed.  The more I remember this and remember that others are flawed as well, the better I will handle this situation.

Saying this past year was like a roller coaster would actually take away from what all has happened.  A roller coaster can be fun, exciting, and a thrill.  Sure I have had fun times in the past year, as well as exciting and thrilling times.  But overall, the past year has been none of those.  Well maybe a little thrilling in the scary movie sense.  Terrifying might be a better description.  I do not think I have been more scared in my life than I have been at times in the past year.  

But, I have learned this year that I would much rather be terrified than complacent.  Indifference to everything and everyone was something I did for a long time.  It got much worse over time, becoming indifferent even to my self.  So insignificant that my death would be a mere hiccup in the big scheme of things.  I know a ripple can supposedly turn into a tsunami.  But I wasn't like that.  My death would have had the affect on the world and the people around me that a gnat landing on a glass-like, still, undisturbed lake would cause.

Even though I was indifferent to myself and others I was still so very selfish.  Selfish in the sense that I really couldn't see what I was doing to those around me.  The pain I thought I was the only one feeling was hurting the people around me too.  My depression wasn't just mine.  It was theirs as well.  I'm not sure how I would have handled this information 400 days or so ago.  Now, I see it and feel guilty that I had such a profound negative affect on the ones I care about.  Even though I know it wasn't really me doing these things, I was not in control of it at all. Yet I still carry that guilt of being responsible.  

But if I would have known the damage I was causing back then, I think it would have made things much worse.  I would have escalated very quickly, because I would want to no longer be able to hurt them.  If I were to be gone, the pain I was inflicting would have stopped.  There is not a bigger fallacy in the world.  As much of a pain I have been and how hard it has been for me and them, my death would have been a long lasting, painful event for my loved ones.  Something my kids would have to live their whole lives dealing with.

I would much rather them know I battled depression and survived, than have them see their father as someone who couldn't handle it or didn't care enough about them to fight my way out.  I truly hope that they never experience depression of a clinical magnitude.  Genetically, I have put them at a disadvantage.  Depression runs in my family, but hopefully the cycle can be broken.  Hopefully they will live a long, happy life filled with joy and wonder.  I know they will have down times and be hurt or sad.  That is normal.  But overall, I hope they can find their happy place.  They certainly were mine.

For a long time, even after the events of September 20th, 2012, I still hoped to die.  I wasn't going to do it, but if it happened it would be welcomed.  A car wreck, an illness, an accident, a murder, anything and any way other than suicide.  It would have a less painful for everyone had it happened this way.  I didn't take my own life, it just happened.  I could be remembered for who I was and not for what I had done.  This passive look at death is a common thing with severe or clinical depression.  Just wanting it to be over without the trauma of suicide.  But it is still traumatic, it is still painful, and it will always be surrounded by the suspicion that you caused the death and it was truly a suicide.  Once again, this is something I have learned over the past year would still be devastating to my family.  Suicide or not, my death would be painful and cause life-long issues in many people.  And it is much better for everyone, myself included, if I live.  Even as dysfunctional as I can be, it will always be better for everyone if I survive.  

So as I reflect upon and celebrate the past year's small victories, triumphs, and the disappointments and downfalls, I am reminded that life will never be a flat, straight path.  It will be filled with twists and turns, valleys and peaks, and even bridges and tunnels.  I just have to remember to slow down, put my hands at 10 and 2, and steer myself the best I can.  I thank each and every one of you for helping to repair my imaginary car for this journey.  I am sure I will need a lot of repairs and routine maintenance along the way, but I know I can stay on the road and finish my nice long journey.

So how will you spend your next 31,536,000 seconds?  I plan on mine to be full of changes, and that is okay.  I will come through it in the end.  I will always have my family, friends, and even a doctor or two to lean on when things get rough.  I am going to take my next 31,536,000 seconds one at a time.