Mostly cloudy with a 70% chance of meh.

I'm not ok. I tell myself that I am but, in reality, I am a work in progress. It is true that I am better than I was 6 months ago, better than I was a year ago, better than I was 3 years ago, but I am still not good. It is hard sometimes to explain why I feel the way I do. Like I am hard wired to dislike myself. Like nothing I do is ever good enough. Seeing the bad in situations instead of the good. My mind is a dark cloudy place where sunlight is slowly peeking in. Just like a never ending springtime storm when all you want to do is go to the park. I know how this sounds. It sounds like I am terrible. It sounds like I have broken again. But, I'm not. I am better than I was. Before, it was all clouds with no peeking sun. All downpour, with no relief from the beating wind driven rain that pelted my minds eye.

I have never really put much thought into why I am the way I am. There is no answer that doesn't sound like a cop out. People have had rougher lives than mine and been just fine. Deeper struggles and less support. Does that make me weak for allowing myself to fall so deep into depression? I can't help but think that it does. That is just the way it is.

Now people will tell me, "you aren't weak," but how am I to believe them? Who are they to tell me what I am and what I am not. Someone like me should be able to handle emotion, not run and hide from it. Someone like me should be able to get better more quickly than I am. Someone like me should be a man and quit his bitching.

Being scared of a relapse is tiring. Scared of a sequel to the act that took place just a few short months ago. Terrified of the legacy you will leave for the people around you. My thoughts used to be people would be better off without you, your kids would be better without you in their lives, you would not be missed for long, the world would forget about you and move on. Now, my thoughts stay away from ideas like that. They now invade me with thinking how can you be so weak? How can you be so reckless? How can you not be normal? Why couldn't you have just died?

Then POW. You snap out of it. You know this path all too well. You know where this leads. You know...better. Thoughts like this do no good. They only reinforce that part of you that needs to be fixed. That needs time to heal.

This is the point where my therapy comes into play. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, to be exact. The point of it is to change your thinking. To replace those thoughts with more healthy, more positive ones. Tell yourself everyday, multiple times per day, that you are a good man, you are a good father, you are on the right path, you are loved and worthy of that love. The thinking behind it is if you do this, you can retrain your brain to believe in these affirmations as truth. That you can talk or think yourself better. Does it work? Studies say it does. I guess time will tell. Like I said, I am better than I was 6 months ago.

I know this post seems very dark. Darker than my others. But this is me. This is depression. You have good days and bad. The key is to start having more and more good days. For a long time good days were few and far between. Now, they are coming more often. I still have trouble with my thinking, with my ability to enjoy things, and with irritability and anger. But it is getting better, and that alone is enough to keep me going on. To keep me fighting. To keep working towards being me again. To not give in to the thoughts when they come. To find something better to do than sit and think thoughts I know I shouldn't. To go out and do things, fun things, maybe even with people I have not seen in awhile.

So there I am. Scott Rivera at 32 going on 33 years old. Sure things could be better, but they certainly could be worse. I still sometimes worry about things, things that don't need to be worried about so much, but that is anxiety. I always thought anxiety was just nervousness squared. Panic about things. Anxiety wasn't me. But I have since learned that anxiety is the overreaction to minor things. Making a mountain out of a molehill if you will. Every little thing becomes a big deal, every minor failure is devastating, every minute character flaw is no longer just a quirky personality, it is much more, your flaws define you. You begin to believe these things as truth. They snowball by quickly out of control and you are stuck. You do not see a way out. You end up in a by bad place if you don't find your way.  When you compound that with something like depression, it can be so much worse.

Don't be me.  Don't wait until it gets out of control.  Do something early.  That is the best advice I can give to someone who may have mild depression and is just realizing it.  Get help, it is much better than the consequences of not getting help in time.  You owe it to yourself to not let yourself slide down the spiral of depression, because it is not just you sliding down, it is everyone you care about too.  They won't let go of you, you will drag them down, you will hurt them.  But you can avoid that.  You can get help before that happens.

I have decided to add two pages to this blog.  As you can see at the top, there is the blog page, the music page, and now there are two more.  One with a "Depression Quiz." and no it a quiz about my posts, it is a quiz to see if you have signs of depression.  I am also adding a page with links to some local and national resources.  I know there are some of you out there from far away, so I am sure the local links won't apply to you, but maybe they will help you find help in your area.

As always, if you have any questions, comments, or anything else, do not hesitate to contact me via the comments on this page.  I will do my best to respond to them as I can, even if I don't know you.  Do not hesitate to post anonymously if you wish to not be identified.