31,536,000

That's a large number isn't it?  In my little world it equals other numbers too.  525,600 is one, 8,760 is another, 365 is the final equality for the title.  If you haven't guessed already, it is the number of seconds, minutes, hours, and days in a year.

One year ago today, my scumbag brain told me to do something I regret immensely.  I regret it, but I also appreciate it.  I know that sounds strange, but it is true.  Without that start to a chain of events that led me to the place I am now.  I'm not talking about physical place, even though that event has led to that, but mentally.  Mentally I think I have come a long way.  There is certainly a long way still left to go as well.  I am still very flawed.  I know this.  I accept this.  I will always be flawed.  The more I remember this and remember that others are flawed as well, the better I will handle this situation.

Saying this past year was like a roller coaster would actually take away from what all has happened.  A roller coaster can be fun, exciting, and a thrill.  Sure I have had fun times in the past year, as well as exciting and thrilling times.  But overall, the past year has been none of those.  Well maybe a little thrilling in the scary movie sense.  Terrifying might be a better description.  I do not think I have been more scared in my life than I have been at times in the past year.  

But, I have learned this year that I would much rather be terrified than complacent.  Indifference to everything and everyone was something I did for a long time.  It got much worse over time, becoming indifferent even to my self.  So insignificant that my death would be a mere hiccup in the big scheme of things.  I know a ripple can supposedly turn into a tsunami.  But I wasn't like that.  My death would have had the affect on the world and the people around me that a gnat landing on a glass-like, still, undisturbed lake would cause.

Even though I was indifferent to myself and others I was still so very selfish.  Selfish in the sense that I really couldn't see what I was doing to those around me.  The pain I thought I was the only one feeling was hurting the people around me too.  My depression wasn't just mine.  It was theirs as well.  I'm not sure how I would have handled this information 400 days or so ago.  Now, I see it and feel guilty that I had such a profound negative affect on the ones I care about.  Even though I know it wasn't really me doing these things, I was not in control of it at all. Yet I still carry that guilt of being responsible.  

But if I would have known the damage I was causing back then, I think it would have made things much worse.  I would have escalated very quickly, because I would want to no longer be able to hurt them.  If I were to be gone, the pain I was inflicting would have stopped.  There is not a bigger fallacy in the world.  As much of a pain I have been and how hard it has been for me and them, my death would have been a long lasting, painful event for my loved ones.  Something my kids would have to live their whole lives dealing with.

I would much rather them know I battled depression and survived, than have them see their father as someone who couldn't handle it or didn't care enough about them to fight my way out.  I truly hope that they never experience depression of a clinical magnitude.  Genetically, I have put them at a disadvantage.  Depression runs in my family, but hopefully the cycle can be broken.  Hopefully they will live a long, happy life filled with joy and wonder.  I know they will have down times and be hurt or sad.  That is normal.  But overall, I hope they can find their happy place.  They certainly were mine.

For a long time, even after the events of September 20th, 2012, I still hoped to die.  I wasn't going to do it, but if it happened it would be welcomed.  A car wreck, an illness, an accident, a murder, anything and any way other than suicide.  It would have a less painful for everyone had it happened this way.  I didn't take my own life, it just happened.  I could be remembered for who I was and not for what I had done.  This passive look at death is a common thing with severe or clinical depression.  Just wanting it to be over without the trauma of suicide.  But it is still traumatic, it is still painful, and it will always be surrounded by the suspicion that you caused the death and it was truly a suicide.  Once again, this is something I have learned over the past year would still be devastating to my family.  Suicide or not, my death would be painful and cause life-long issues in many people.  And it is much better for everyone, myself included, if I live.  Even as dysfunctional as I can be, it will always be better for everyone if I survive.  

So as I reflect upon and celebrate the past year's small victories, triumphs, and the disappointments and downfalls, I am reminded that life will never be a flat, straight path.  It will be filled with twists and turns, valleys and peaks, and even bridges and tunnels.  I just have to remember to slow down, put my hands at 10 and 2, and steer myself the best I can.  I thank each and every one of you for helping to repair my imaginary car for this journey.  I am sure I will need a lot of repairs and routine maintenance along the way, but I know I can stay on the road and finish my nice long journey.

So how will you spend your next 31,536,000 seconds?  I plan on mine to be full of changes, and that is okay.  I will come through it in the end.  I will always have my family, friends, and even a doctor or two to lean on when things get rough.  I am going to take my next 31,536,000 seconds one at a time.