There is a large part of me that truly didn't expect to make it to my 33rd birthday yesterday. Given where I was last year on my birthday, there is some surprise to waking up today.
Flashback to last year at this time. I had not seen anyone for my depression and was hiding it seemingly well from everyone but my wife. I had made the decision to get help after a long struggle with realizing I needed help and I wasn't surviving on my own. Finding a psychiatrist was a difficult task in and of itself. No wonder people do not get the help they need. Some only take certain insurances, most don't take new patients, and quite a few the receptionist treats you like a moron.
In recent years my birthday grew to be something I would have rather just forgotten. Just another day, nothing to see here. Yesterday, however was different. Even though the day was very low key and involved mostly studying and a nap, it wasn't the same as years past. The day had a purpose, it wasn't just another day, it was my birthday. Being awoken by my kids screaming "happy birthday!" It wasn't an annoyance, it was amazingly gratifying.
My life has changed so much in the past year. Some good, some bad, some amazing, and some debilitating. Hindsight will always be 20/20, and that is something I have realize and remind myself of constantly. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and do differently, but I cannot. Even though now I see how I should have been, what I should have done, I can't change it.
I am making a point to try and enjoy things this year. Last year I could not enjoy much of anything. Not that there were not joyous events, just I was incapable of feeling joy or excitement. I lost all typical emotion as most people know it. A lot of great things happened last year that I don't think I ever got to enjoy. Acceptance into the nursing program I wanted for one. Around 450 applicants, only a quarter of them get an interview, and of those only 62 were accepted. I was more terrified than excited when I got my letter. I faked excitement because that is what everyone would expect right?
I still have a hard time giving myself credit for my accomplishments. Although, I allowed myself to feel good about myself twice in the past couple of weeks and it was an odd feeling for me. Today was one of those times. Getting the results from my final and knowing I had survived my first year of nursing school. A lot of events transpired over the past year that created obstacles to my getting here. So far I have made my way through most of them and better for it.
The other time I was able to feel good about myself is when I was praised by an instructor. Saying I surprised them with my skills. Not really my clinical, physical skills, but my emotional skills. I was kind of taken aback by the comment. They explained I had surprised them because they see a big tall man and they were astonished by my ability put patients at ease with my words and confidence. She said she never expected to see me so compassionate and caring when dealing with a dying patient, and how the patient and family took to me. I was given the biggest vote of confidence I think an aspiring nurse can get from an experienced nurse. Being told that they would be happy to let me take care of them if they were in the hospital. There isn't a much better seal of approval you can get.
So it is with those two building blocks to liking myself again that I will build on this year. Hopefully, I will have many more blocks to add over the next few months. There are a lot of bridges that need rebuilding and I have to start by building on my end first.
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