It has been a long time coming. I should have done it long ago. Certainly when I first went for help and definitely when I got out of the hospital after my breakdown. I need to find an outlet other than a therapist, a psychiatrist, and this blog.
One of the things I actually enjoyed when I was hospitalized was attending group therapies. Us, some of them were hokey, but a majority of them allowed for expression and education on what I was feeling and thinking. I only walked out of two group therapies early. One because they played Hotel California by The Eagles then Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. Great songs, but poor choices for the looney bin. The other, people started yelling and fighting with each other so since I was close to the door, I left.
Some of the best groups explored the science or reasons behind depression, anxiety, addiction, and other mental illnesses. Sometimes all you need is a room full of people in the same boat as you to see things in yourself. For every good group there was a less than good group. Some surprised you by being good when you expected it to suck. Art therapy, expressive therapy, music therapy... Those were hit or miss. I am not an artist by any stretch, but the point was well taken. You can complete a project and you can make something that represents you or describes you, and that, surprisingly enough, was quite therapeutic. Music therapy, well, was less than therapeutic. A woman with a keyboard singing songs to you. Fail.
So it is with high hopes that I make my way to the meeting tonight to see what it is all about. I am hopeful that it will be good for me and be something I want to be involved with. It is worth a shot right? It begins at 6:30 and is slated to go until 8:30. That seems like a really long time to me. Two hours. I figured out where it is at and that it is led by a "mental health specialist." That leaves a lot up to speculation. I mean, a specialist... So they have experience with mental health? I have experience with mental health, I lack it. Does that count?
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Ok so I went to the meeting. It was a good experience. Very small group but that is fine with me. It is always good to be around people with similar experiences and stories. I am sure I will be back. I can't say too much about it, not just because of the anonymity for the other members, but because I have posted my story here, and I tell my thoughts and share my problems here already so it makes it redundant to talk about what is talked about there anyway.
There was one thing that struck a chord with me from the meeting tonight. One of the people brought up thinking about never allowing themselves to get that bad again. To get to the point of breakdown again. And then it happened.
This resonates with me because I am terrified of that. I know things now that should be able to help me if I ever start down that path again, but will it work? Will I have another breakdown? I hope not. I pray and beg that I will not. You all will play a part in keeping me from it. Unknowingly, you will all help me keep on the right path. Letting you in has already helped, and if I keep sharing then maybe it will keep me from going to that dark place.
I have to remember some times that I am human. I can make mistakes. I can say the wrong thing. I can do the wrong thing. I can be wrong. I am flawed. And all of that is ok. That's normal. For me, for so long I couldn't accept that, and still have a hard time with it. I have made myself into this thing that focuses on everything that has gone wrong. Everything that was bad. Nothing was good. It took me hitting a wall at 100 miles per hour and losing my way, my path, my mind, and nearly my life to see that there were good things around me. I wasn't a failure. I was loved and worthy of that. But, sometimes, on bad days, I catch myself. Catch myself thinking those same tired thoughts. Those same useless, self-depricating, damaging thoughts. The good news? I can see them now. I can catch myself in the middle of them. Before they ran rampant through my mind, no control, no subsiding. I hope the rest of my life isn't a struggle with this constantly. I hope I get things figured out. I'm trying. Sometimes I just don't know if it makes a difference. If it does any good.
See, there I go again.
I hope that the group therapy continues to go well for you. :)
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